An ornery drunk man, a woman snoring loudly, a woman who wouldn’t shut up, and another woman with a bad cold were sitting in a plane . . .
This sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. Or is it representative of the four people that you NEVER want to sit next to on an airplane? Which of these four people would you have wanted to sit next to on a 2½ hour flight? Let’s face it; you wouldn’t have wanted to be near any of them. You would have asked Miss Perky, the flight attendant, if you could switch seats. The plane is full and you are stuck where you are. It’s your nightmare about flying come true, you are surrounded by people you don’t want to sit near.
This wasn’t a nightmare but was reality in Row 1 aboard a recent Air Tran flight number 652 from Orlando to Milwaukee. Four people, two on each side of the center aisle, each representing persons that you LEAST want to sit next to on an airplane.
Miss Perky offers drinks to the business class passengers prior to take off. She hands the man seated in 1-A a glass of orange juice and a small bottle of vodka which he downs in less time than it took the Concorde to break the sound barrier. This is drink number one for seat 1-A.
It’s take off and as the plane careens down the runway at 300mph your seatbelt better be fastened because this is going to be a rough ride. 1-A is already pushing the flight attendant call button asking for drink number two. Shortly thereafter Miss Perky comes by with a basket of snacks for passengers to choose from; a bag of chips, pretzels or bagel chips. Not just those one handful snack bags that are served in coach but a regular size bag. Along with it, Miss Perky responds to the call button that 1-A pushed. Miss Perky takes drink orders. Make that drink number two for 1-A.
Seat 1-C is occupied by a woman who, immediately after takeoff, takes her seat out of the upright position and falls asleep. Moments later we were treated to a never ending chorus of snoring. It’s hard to hear the plane’s engines over her snoring. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Bring on drink numbers three and four for 1-A.
1-D give us a tough looking woman in her late 50’s who was born in Peoria, Illinois. She is decked out in sports apparel. A Georgia fan that was in Orlando for the Capitol One Bowl. We hear all about her Harley and trips to Sturgis. We learn that she used to bartend, prepare meals for United Airlines, and now works in a hospital sterilizing instruments for surgery. She’s never been married, has no kids, and likes to play darts. Anything else you want to know?
1-A is getting ornery because Miss Perky isn’t getting him drinks quick enough. The perkiness is going away. Now it’s a chore to serve him. Let’s see . . . that’s drink number five.
"Gimme another vodka and orange juice.” Why couldn’t he just call it what it is – a screwdriver. I’m sure that our ex-bartender in 1-D was asking herself this same question. That’s drink number six for 1-A.
Rounding out the people that you love to hate on a flight, was the woman sitting in 1-F. A well tanned woman who obviously enjoyed her vacation. She was happy when Miss Now Not So Perky brought her oj (without vodka) and a box of Kleenex. Achoo, cough, nose blow, achoo. This woman wants to be left alone but 1-D just keeps on talking to her. Achoo. Cough. In her conversation with 1-D, 1-F reveals that she had just returned from a cruise. A cruise, that explains the nice suntan. Achoo. Nose blow.
The captain makes an announcement that we will be landing in Milwaukee in about thirty minutes. The flight attendant call bell goes on. Miss No Longer Perky refuses to serve 1-A, but somehow he manages to convince her that he is not intoxicated. Make that drink number seven for 1-A.
The wheels come down and the end of the flight from hell is almost over. It’s now only minutes before we come to the gate and can get off the plane. No more ornery drunk, no more snoring, no more listening to every detail of someone’s life, and no more coughing and sneezing. On the bright side, thankfully there are no crying babies and kids throwing Cheerios.
Oh by the way, for me the most annoying person on this flight, the “talker” in 1-D. Upon landing I unfasten seatbelt of 1-F hoping that the 1-D talker caught my cold.Achoo!!!!